Experience to Know What You Already Understand

It's been a while since I wrote my last post. It's not that I had forgotten about this blog. It's just I couldn't organize my thoughts well enough to write a post. I mentioned in a previous post that I got an interview and said I'd either get it or I'd learn something about myself. That was the reason why I didn't know what to write for a long time.

No, I did not get the job. But oh-my-god, did I learn and realize about myself. Seriously, I see the "after-the-event" me different from the "before-the-event" me. It's hard to explain this to others. If someone tells you his near-death experience or her experience in become a mom, you'd understand it as an event described, but you'd never actually "know" how it is, right? You can read books and books about trust or love, but you'd never "know" what they are until you experience them yourself.

So I'm not sure if there's any point trying to explain it as it really felt to me (besides, I'm not sure if I can explain it well...). But here's what happened:

• I get a call from a non-profit educational institution that I applied back in February. We schedule an interview. I feel neutral.
• I get the TOEIC result that says I got a perfect score. I feel very hopeful about my translator career.
• I get an email inquiry from a translation agency - they want to know if I can take an urgent job. This was out of blue; I did not expect it at all. I had to decline because it was a medical research paper that I wouldn't have understood in English or Japanese. But the whole incident makes me even more hopeful.
• As I wait for the interview day, I start to wonder whether I should even go through it. I mull this over until I stress myself out.
• I go to the interview, telling myself that it goes against my principle to turn down any opportunity without getting any details. But at the same time, I know I don't actually want the job to be offered to me because it's the kind of job that I'd like (I applied for it after all), but I couldn't have held this job AND try to work out translation career at the same time.
• The interview goes really well. For a while, I forget that I didn't want the job. But after the interview, I freak out thinking they might actually offer me the job.
• I agonize and stress myself out thinking what I'd do I was offered the job.
• I continue pursuing translation work--learning, practicing, do that volunteer work, etc. I'm starting to feel that I'd be able to decline if I get the job and not regret it.
• I finally hear back from them and it was "thank you and good luck". I didn't get the job. I feel completely relieved. I'm also completely determined to pursue a career in translation field.

This whole episode shifted something inside of me. I suffered through it, but interestingly (now that I think about it), I didn't do anything to try to take things in certain direction or to make myself do something one way or the other. I sort of stood there and watched my feeling and will to emerge from nowhere (as it seemed) and grow to take a shape by itself. Weird.

I believe that I'm in a physical format on this planet because my spirit or soul (or whatever you'd call it) needs to "experience" in order to really "know" what it already "understands." This is my personal religion. Although I cannot say that I'm doing spectacular job in this regard, this is one of the reasons why I try to be open to anything that comes to me. And this episode gave me an opportunity to "know" something inside of me that I didn't know existed.

So that's the update. Sometimes things move in a way that you don't expect them to or don't wish them to, but if you think of it as an opportunity to experience something that you wouldn't have thought of trying to experience, you might find something inside of you that you didn't know existed, too.